Experiment No. 29: WAKE UP! Dads, How to Let Moms Know You See How Much They Do (and then do more yourself)

The Basics

We’re Trying to Solve: Making partners’ contributions at home better seen and appreciated.
Target Audience: Dads
Ages: Adults
Category: Mental load, Household chores
Estimated Time: 10 minutes per day
Difficulty Level: Easy

Dads, this one is specifically for you. (But even non-dads could benefit from learning to recognize and appreciate how much your partner does on the home front!)

We’re doing a ton at home these days– work, school, play, meals, family time. Living so much of our lives at home, there are also more chores and childcare than before the pandemic. You’re probably aware that women and moms have taken on most of that work. This has caused many U.S. moms more anxiety and worse sleep, and many are at their breaking point. There are many reasons why mothers have taken on more at home over the past year, from our ingrained patterns and habits, to the fact that men often feel pressure to show total devotion at their jobs– and so they feel they can’t be fully involved at home.

But the truth is, it’s unfair for one person to do most of the daily, often unseen, and often thankless work at home. What’s more, research shows that couples who share housework equally are healthier, more stable, more intimate and have more fun.

As we mark one year of the pandemic and think about what comes next, we’re all about small steps that can add up to something bigger. Stephen Dypiangco, husband, father of three, and co-founder of Dadventures, says that over the past several years, he’s learned that recognizing the work at home- both your partner’s and your own- is a crucial part of creating a better balance and more happiness in your home.

Recognizing all the work it takes to keep your household running requires being present, both physically and emotionally. “After five years of marriage and having two kids, my wife and I hit a low point in our relationship that led to us talking about divorce. With most of my attention on my career, I was often physically and mentally checked out when it came to my family”, Stephen recalled. “My wife and I ended up entering couples therapy, which improved our communication and collaboration practices and ultimately saved our marriage.”

“If I could go back in time and give my younger self advice, I'd tell him to wake up. Wake up to the most important people in your life who are struggling to get by without you being present. Wake up to the fact that for things to get better at home, you're going to have to make changes. And just know that you can do it. It will be hard, but you and your wife will do it together.”

Stephen has advice for dads, especially new dads, who want to share the load at home in a way that feels fair to everyone, but are struggling to adjust to the new realities of childcare and housework, and likely have competing demands at work. Stephen recommends putting in extra effort to: 1) recognize all of the work your partner is doing and 2) recognize all of the work that you are doing.

Dads, we’ve turned Stephen’s advice into an experiment just for you.

Directions

1. Turn on the Radar: Recognize all of the work your partner is doing. For one week, pay special attention to all the work your partner does to keep your home running. For example, did something seem to magically come together? Take time to understand the invisible labor that went into it. It may be helpful to jot these notes down in a journal or even your phone’s notepad, or make it public with a whiteboard on the wall.
   
   In his early days of parenthood, Stephen recalled, “There is so much that my wife started doing as a new mom that I didn’t grasp for a long time: researching and setting up childcare, buying clothes and food, coordinating doctors appointments. The list goes on and on. It’s not that my wife and I discussed who would do this work. She ended up taking it over silently because it was not on my radar. It had to get done, so she jumped in. By identifying those areas where your wife is doing things, especially that you hadn’t seen before, you’re letting her know that you see all she is contributing to make your family’s lives better.”
2. Call out and name those contributions with gratitude. Name the work– actually describe the activity specifically, such as scheduling a doctor’s appointment, comforting a child, or planning a meal– and express gratitude. “Verbally calling out as many of the amazing and often unseen things she’s doing (and letting her know she’s a wonderful mom) can’t be done enough and makes both partners feel like better teammates”, Stephen explained.
3. Look in the Mirror: Recognize all of the work you are doing.
   
   - Intentionally take note of the work you’re already doing at home. Again, you could do this with a journal or your phone’s notepad. Stephen shared, “For me, what’s been helpful is keeping a journal of the positive moments with my family each day. That helps me see in a concrete way how I’m putting family first and living the family values I believe in.”
   - Give yourself permission to do more caregiving. “By seeing how much you are doing and by being there for your family, you’re giving yourself permission to do more caregiving,” Stephen says.
   
   This step — giving yourself permission to do more — took real effort on Stephen’s part. Our ingrained habits, sense of identity, or work obligations can make it difficult to devote more time and attention to the work at home. Stephen explained, “I realized that I had to readjust my life to fit my current reality and very real responsibilities. And when I would do more caregiving tasks, I would tell myself that this was a good thing. That I was fulfilling my responsibilities as a father and husband. And I was also keeping my word to my wife, who had grown frustrated with me saying I would do things and then forgetting or not following up.”
4. At the end of the week, assess how it went and what you learned. What did you notice that you hadn’t before? Were you more aware of your partner’s contributions and your own? Did you feel differently? Did interactions with your partner change? What went well and what needs work? After you assess, repeat for another week!

Finally, Stephen reminds dads that improvements in family life take time and effort. “It can be incredibly daunting to try and fix broken practices around the house, especially when you’re just starting out. But with your heart in the right place, effort, and open communication, you can see the results of your efforts compounding over time and creating a better situation at home.”

It can be incredibly daunting to try and fix broken practices around the house, especially when you’re just starting out. But with your heart in the right place, effort, and open communication, you can see the results of your efforts compounding over time and creating a better situation at home.
- Stephen Dypiangco

Connect With the Better Life Lab

Are you going to try this week’s experiment? Do you have a story about how you and your own family solved a problem with the work at home? Is there a specific challenge you’ve been trying to tackle? Please let us know via this form, at bllx@newamerica.org, in our Facebook group for BLLx Beta Testers.

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This experiment was written in collaboration with Stephen Dypiangco, husband, father of three, and co-founder of Dadventures, a company empowering dads to be more active parents and equal partners by making it easier to discover and enjoy awesome family entertainment.