I. Providing Care Can Shape Men’s Attitudes and Beliefs

The disconnect between what men say is ideal when it comes to equally sharing care and the reality of stark gender differences, before and during the pandemic, raises questions around whether that expressed egalitarian belief is superficial or said for public show. So, to better plumb the depths of what men really think about care work, their own internal and perhaps subconscious biases about who they think should be responsible for providing it, and how they see their role, we convened several focus groups. It became apparent analyzing the transcripts of these conversations that it is indeed far easier to espouse an egalitarian view—our survey data showed that men overwhelmingly say care work is as valuable as paid work and should be shared equally with women—than it is to act on that belief.

The conversations were utterly different between a group of men who had provided care for an adult and a general population group of adult men. The conversations can’t definitively prove that an experience of providing care caused a transformation of attitude, belief, or behavior. It is possible that these views and behaviors predated the caring experience. Yet the very different conversations in the two very different groups of men show that the experience of providing care is associated with a much more nuanced and personal view of care and providing care and strong beliefs that men are just as good at it, and that, regardless of gendered beliefs of who is “naturally” better at it, that caring is a skill that can be learned.

We asked men in two separate focus groups—one group of men who had cared for an adult, and another general population group of men who had not—to upload an image into an online discussion of what came to mind when they thought of the word “caregiving.”

In the 13-member general population group of men, all but one posted images of women. Two posted photos of mothers with newborns. And 10 posted images of female nurses or home health aides, and most of them in medical settings, wearing nursing scrubs or pushing an elderly person in a wheelchair, or giving medical care in a hospital or clinic.

Leonard, 42, from Dallas, like the majority of the men in the general population group, posted a photo of a professional female health worker. “I think of a middle-aged woman who is a nurse caring for an older man’s medical needs in assisted living or in his home. This is perhaps the first image that came to mind [because] my grandfather had a caregiver who came to his house when he was fighting cancer. I was in high school. It was the first time I had heard the word, so the associated image stuck with me.”

“When you think of the word ‘caregiver,’ what’s the first image that pops into your mind?” – Approximation of photos uploaded by men participating in a focus group of men in the general population.

Vance, 35, from Ohio, also thought immediately of “someone who cares for the sick or disabled,” as did Thomas, 47, from Minnesota: “I think of someone caring for an elderly person. Perhaps pushing them in a wheelchair or handing them their medicine.” Echoed Phillip, a 19-year-old student from Indiana, “I think nurses are the ultimate caregivers because it is their paid profession and they have the utmost experience.”

Seth, a 40-year-old man in the general population group who lives in rural Washington state, associated the word “caregiver” with “a low-pay nursing type worker, CNA. A nurse is a nurse. But a caregiver is a low skill, low-wage type of job.”

Geff, 51, who lives in the suburbs of Chicago, also posted a photo of a woman, but his was an image of a mother and child. “When my kids are sick, I help of course, but ultimately, they just want their mom. Mom makes it better. Mom knows. When I was little, I felt pretty much the same.”

Because of this narrow, feminine, and medicalized definition of care, many men in this general population group did not think of themselves as caregivers. But when asked about specific caring tasks, seven clearly were providing care to others. “I guess I am,” said Geff, who is the father of three. “I earn most of the money in the household, so I guess that qualifies.” Five of these men said they were not carers, though one said he was active in the “child-rearing” of his son. Thomas said he was not a carer “in the conventional sense of the word.” Rather, he spent a lot of time helping his wife and daughter, both emotionally and by “doing physical tasks that seem overwhelming to them.”

Because of this narrow, feminine and medicalized definition of care, many men in this general population group did not think of themselves as caregivers.

“When you think of the word ‘caregiver,’ what’s the first image that pops into your mind?” – Approximation of photos uploaded by men participating in a focus group of men who have cared for another adult.

Conversely, in the focus group of 14 men who had cared for an adult, the images men provided were wholly different. The men described caring for children, loved ones, spouses, aging parents, relatives, disabled friends, and neighbors in need, a clear indication that they saw caring as part of a relationship, whereas the men in the general population group saw caring as low-value work to be outsourced. The men who had cared for an adult further described the often intensive work they do—both hands-on care tasks like bathing, feeding, and medical treatments that are more commonly associated with women, as well as spending time with the person and managing financial, estate, household, and maintenance tasks. And all mentioned the joys as well as the pain and suffering that providing care to another involves.

Thirteen men in the group said that, in general, they spent more time caring for others than being cared for. One said he spent the same amount of time caring for others as he was cared for.

These men posted a variety of images showing a deeper, nuanced, and more personal relationship with care: people hugging, hands joining, family photos. Many posted photos of themselves with the wives, parents, or family members they provide care for. “Caregiving is all about family,” wrote Cody, who helps his aging parents with medical appointments, housekeeping, and maintenance.

Caregiving is all about family.

Matthew, 42, from Rockaway Beach, N.Y., has been caring for his mother since his father died. He takes her to the doctor, schedules activities, does her shopping, and makes sure she takes her medications. He posted a photo of the two of them at a wedding. “She was basically my date. And we had a blast. I try to include her in everything,” he said. The word “caregiving,” to him, meant “a smiling face on my mom.”

Andrew, 47, from Pennsylvania, who also cares for his mother, posted a photo of an embrace. “I think of a hug because that seems to capture the essence of caregiving, being ready to embrace and support a person who is in need.” He added: “I reflect on the times I was growing up and knowing she was there to provide. Now it’s my turn.”

I reflect on the times I was growing up and knowing she was there to provide. Now it’s my turn.

Richard, 45, from Port Huron, Mich., cares for an elderly neighbor with dementia, making sure he’s eaten, cleaning up after accidents, and spending time with him playing cards and keeping him company. He posted a silhouette of people supporting one another. “You have to love it,” he said of providing care. “I think being temporarily disabled myself has given me a unique insight. I am best suited as a caregiver just getting a smile (or not) when I leave.”

Oliver and Larry both care for their wives. Oliver, 42, a hotel manager who helps his wife with medical appointments, changes her dressings and manages her medications, posted a photo of two hands clasped. “Because my wife needs me to help her … I am offering a helping hand,” he said. “It’s a job that I love doing so much.”

Larry, 77, of Fairfax, Va., whose wife is beginning to suffer balance issues and hearing and memory loss, is doing more cooking and housekeeping in addition to caring for her and doing all the driving. He posted a photo of him and his wife. “It represents how true love is involved in the caregiving process.”

Andres, 37, lives in Ohio and does freelance work as a home care aide and cares for his son, elderly friends, and relatives. He posted a photo of two dishes of ice cream, because, he explained, it symbolized moments of providing care that were not only “very enjoyable,” but memories that changed him. The image is “savory and bittersweet because eventually, it had to end,” he wrote. “All care giver cases I have ever had the privilege of doing came to an end at some point, but each left an impression on both the other person I cared for and myself.”

When we asked the men in the group of men who had cared for an adult what helped prepare them for their role giving care, exposure to role models was a key factor. These men drew from their own life experiences and cited the examples of their own parents caring, their own experiences of caring or volunteering for or with others, or seeing or interacting with paid or unpaid carers in action with family or loved ones as giving them the inspiration or guidance for shaping their views and behaviors around providing care.

“The way my parents took care of my grandparents. [That] instilled values in me to do the same,” said Matthew, who cares for his aging mother. Richard, who cares for an elderly neighbor, said he had been close to death twice himself, and the experience of being disabled and intensively cared for by others inspired his own empathetic style of care. “Having people take care of me in my time of need makes me understand in some small way what the gentleman is feeling.”

“When my mom was in the hospital for about 6 weeks, I tried to observe all that was going on and how the nurses took care of my mom. I asked questions to help prepare me for when she would be discharged to go home,” said Andrew.

Mark, 45, a FedEx contract driver from Atlanta who cares for his mother, began caring for family members at an early age, doing chores for his grandparents, then more intensively caring as they grew ill: “While I was in high school, both my grandparents were really sick and unable to stay in the house alone. So as an alternative to sending them to a senior care facility, they had a nurse who stayed with them during the day, while my two cousins and I took turns spending the night with my grandparents.”

In our focus group of fathers, Scott, 39, a single father from North Carolina, said that his experience working in the childcare industry helped him learn how to be a better father, “and also helped me be more patient and show more affection.” And Christopher, 42, a father of two boys and a network design engineer for a utility company in New York City, expressed a view more common among the men who had the experience of providing care for another when he said that experience itself is the best teacher. “I firmly think that there is some sort of hormonal bond between mother and child. ‘Maternal instinct,’” he said. “But just about anything can be learned. Remember the time you discovered the just-perfect speed to rock your child or the temperature that they like their milk?”